So my boss and I were brainstorming possible social media pizza
memes to increase engagement with our loyal PMQ audience. My mind, as it will
relentlessly skew, crashlanded on my weird pizza encounters over decades of rarely
discriminating faceoffs. I once ingested a two-day-old slice of curled-over, rock-hard
pepperoni scaffolding a dead fly to make my unhinged toddler daughter stop
screaming like a heretic burning at the stake.
I’m not proud of it. I was a single dad dealing with a lost
pacifier and a postcard-cute, but temporarily bug-eyed, demon-possessed little
girl who was clearly NEVER going to return to adorability mode short of someone
immediately popping a giggle-inducing projectile into his or her mouth. I chose
my mouth because I faintly feared the diseased insect might carry bubonic
plague. Thirty-plus years later, I’d still rather suffer a horrible feverish death
than endure screaming rugrats—and I adore my grandchildren.
Old pizza never fazed me. In October 1975, I was a freshman
at Boston University watching the Red Sox lose nobly to the Big Red Machine at
Fenway Park from the Day Room window of our 11th floor, Commonwealth
Avenue high-rise dorm. A short-circuiting hot plate and a box of elbow macaroni
stood between my skinny butt and starvation. Scrounging the occasional sliver
of naked crust left over from the previous night’s smoky bacchanalia was a
bonanza. Not as awesome as going to the all-you-can-eat Bonanza with the strip
steaks and chocolate fountain, but good enough in a pinch. Heck, my mother’s care package of a whole
bologna—that’s right, she spared no expense—nearly incited a Lord of the Flies riot on my floor one
night. It was after another one of those devil-may-care get-togethers 19-year-old
college boys love to indulge in. I won’t go into detail, but for some
reason—lost in the pungent clouds of my memory—that everyman’s sausage log attained
the rabidly coveted status of a five-pound King Crab leg. I do vividly recall
the bologna being launched like a Minuteman missile at one point to keep it out
of enemy hands. Talk about the deadliest catch.
Which begs the question: Would you eat bologna on a pizza?
How about crab legs? Since I already established my germophile cred as a young
man with my fly-pizza exorcism, you can probably guess I’d eat crab legs off the
floor at Bonanza, or Taco Bell or the once-monthly cleaned bathroom of your
local Jiffy Lube. In fact, I’m one of those odd ducks who enjoy my pizza
crawling with anchovies. Dead ones are manageable on your plate—but I’m
flexible. Pineapple? Dig it! Pair it with that old odd duck, or better yet,
salty ham, and I’m half way to Honolulu in the misfiring synapse range between
my ears. Which begs the other ubiquitous challenge: Could you eat the whole
pie?
When I really crave something, my MO is
to do it some MO, until I pass out from exhaustion—or throw up. A handful of times, I’ve put my mouth where my bravado was and killed an entire
meat-heaped dough dinghy. Only once (see
my Jan. 5 blog post) did my gluttony grab me by the collar and kick me to my
knees to hug the porcelain throne behind door No. 2. In fact, pizza deliciousness
has only really hurt me a couple of times. Actually, it stuck to the roof of my
mouth at a temperature approaching the heat produced when the Big Bang went
off. They should warn you that the gooey string of molten mozzarella that snaps
back in your face from the initial bite while you recoil in pain is actually several
thousand degrees hotter than the host slice. I know what you’re thinking: Pizza IS cosmic and you’re old as dirt, dude.
You have to know it burns…it burns…I’ve got blisters on my gums! I bet you’ve
also determined that delivered pizza cools off in a ratio equal to the rate that
BB, and a pre-existing pizza-loving Creator, blew matter to the ends of the
Universe. Gosh, fresh pizza is so good, that
I submitted to the cheesy, saucy immolation again recently as I prepare to
enter the dreaded seventh decade, frequent-napper leg, of my lifetime pizza roadtrip.
OK, I’m only 59, not 69. Do the math! Yep, that makes three times pizza hurt—but
it’s still soul food to me.
Even given my hairy earlobes, I don’t
pretend to own the pizza chops that my younger colleagues here at PMQ have earned. I have learned one thing, though: Even if you
agree with me that it looks ridiculous to keep blowing on the glowing lava tip
of that come-hither slice like you’re whistling the entire score of Les Mis, it’s
worth the wait.
Pizza garnishes are likewise pressed with a compound called glutamate, which can be create a taxi booking app found in the tomatoes, cheddar, pepperoni and hotdog.
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